Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
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she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
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We don't watch enough power rangers
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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