Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Be still, my beating vagina.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
