it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
