and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
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My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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