I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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