I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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