just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
