I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
