I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
