My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
