Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese