So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Acid is not a monday night drug
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?