Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
pop tarts are not kleenex
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
