Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
