My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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