sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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