I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
