You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
