You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
