I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
