I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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