Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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