i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
