My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
