i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
