3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
