just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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