hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
