I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
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dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
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My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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