Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
