It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
