dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize