I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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