I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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