Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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