Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
