At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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