my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
