my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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