I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
a search helicopter?!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize