a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
