Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
