you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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