i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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