i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
