I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
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some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
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I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
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