You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
