I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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