Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
