Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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