She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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