I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
