hell yes lets make some ravioli
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You need a sexual gate keeper
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
