Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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