so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
