And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
