In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
