i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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