I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
