Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
