Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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